Mar01 Day6 Swimming into Love

Woke up to TwinHearts meditation. Was tempted to lie back down and snuggle in the covers, but finished by doing the exercises - first sitting, for the neck, torso, shoulders, then getting up for the rest.

Searched for and found "Way of the Superior Man" which I need for the Men's League meeting tonight.

I feel right in the midst of the contemplation of love that began yesterday while talking with D. How do I move forward with the awareness of the past without being held back, stuck in it, yet without ignoring how I was, what I did, how I could have loved better...
I had been thinking along the lines of "I'm still such a kid", "Grow up", "When I've done more work and I've noticeably changed, then I can try it again". "I've learned so little", "Knowing what I'm like, it's unfair to whomever might become involved with me", Some of the David Deida teachings, while inspiring, are very intimidating for where I'm at: A woman yearns for a man who can fuck her open to God. Holy Shit!! Being all softness, gentleness, calmness, and general sexual weakness, I'm a setup for disappointment.

Talking with D. and really hearing the message of these notes:

"I choose love" -

"I love others even when I'm fucked up" -
"I give what I don't have and didn't get as a child" -
"I am gentle and I soften myself" -
"I let the flow of life bring me what I need"

has shifted me a lot. I feel an opening and softening radiating out from my heart. I feel a yearning to love and be loved. I still feel a deep uncertainty about how any practical realities get resolved.

At the pool, I played the quena for a while - sounded pretty good in the showers. I'm going to practice some of the peruvian tunes I wrote out. I relaxed in the hot tub way longer than I intended like 8:30 I had been sitting/lying more gripped with fear and uncertainty than opening and softening. "Gripped" isn't correct anymore... there was a place of calmness alongside the fear.

I questioned the UWL - there was enough mind stuff that I wasn't sure about doing it, but I was able to just focus and decide "Now is the time, let's do it". A little more breathing in the big pool, tighten up the trunks, and off I go. I didn't actually do the "Love without Fear" RH on heart, LH on SolarPlexus drill, but I had a sense of the swim as a practice, in an area of relative mastery, under challenge, which I could extend into love, an area of uncertainty and challenge. I felt happy and confident having completed it with solidity and power. Felt happy about S. I just noticed that even though my body now KNOWS it can do it consistently, my mind still questions whether some of its chatter is enough to cause me to choke. In what other areas of my life does this happen ?

Got my camera today Lumix LZ2 - I love it already, It feels nice, works smoothly.

Well, it's time to go to the Men's League. I've cooked a pizza, and going to do the
keeping it warm on the engine thing. I've always wanted to play with that. Today's the day!