Mar12 G'day, eh?

Full, rich, awesome, amazing day it was, in the subtle way I seem to experience life...

Took hitchhiker to Greyhound station. Nobody around. Sign says eastbound leaves at 9:25. Website says 8:55. We go eat; no place open except A&W. He's trying to phone greyhound.
It gets to be 8:50. "We've got time to go back to the bus despot in case it leaves at 8:55" I suggest and sure enough, bus is ready to leave. Get ticket, say goodbye...

OK, I'll go to church. I'm up, I'll go early, maybe I'll play music. Afterward, I'll talk a bit about Peru and then head to the city. Go home, start to get ready. D. phones - no, maybe I'm the one to phone...
I feel more inclined to listen and stay present than to say "Gotta go to church" when that time arrives.

Leave town at noon. Inclined to feed goat, but stay focused on getting to the Pranic practice at 1:30. Roll in just as exercises start. TwinHearts meditation is great; peaceful & happy. Pranic session with K. is cool. We feel each other, find corroboration.

Fix up R. computer issue. Snarly process, but I calmly go through it, stepbystep.

Mar11 >>POOF<< Where'd the week go?

Another Saturday night...
I've wanted to blog all week but didn't actually do it.
On the theme of Bringing it Home, I've been contemplating that a lot, and in the strict literal sense, I've now thrice shown my pix and assorted loot and described my experiences to people back home. Tomorrow again, at the potluck.

The tourism aspects are fairly easy to get across.
The deeper, spiritual, awareness and experiences are not so easy, but I poke away at it.

Picked up a hitchhiker out of the blowing snow on my way home. He was sure happy to get a ride. Took him for a walk to feed the goat. I brought him home and scrounged together some sheets etc. for the "guest bed". Tomorrow we'll catch a bus.
He's gotta be a messenger, right? So what's the message?
"Don't drink and drive or you'll lose your licence"?

So, what else did I actually do?
I feel really solid in my LUWs - I did them twice on Monday - morning and noon.
By Wed and Fri, I'm aware of a deep knowing that I can really do it - any anxiety/questioning has been about other stuff. My mind still puts up the "gonna choke this time" kinda chatter, but I don't.

I've been feeding the goat, and walking the labyrinth on the land - the journey inward.
Friday was a cool experience - I walked the entire perimeter of the land. With the weather
having warmed, then more snow, I knew better than to try to drive in with my car.
(Although somebody else, with a truck, drove in and made tracks all over the place. The thought to be upset at having been trespassed against came up, but I wasn't really into that.)
I parked by the bridge, and walked along the middle of the river, up and across the bridge, and refilled Billy Bob's feed pail from the sack in the fridge in the generator shack. I then walked along the edge of the garden to the labyrinth, and, seeking some connection to my deeper self, across the drifted-in snow. Somewhere along the way, the image of me physically performing a line integral in the complex plane came to me. I could see the textbook and remember enjoying that class. It was cool how one could circumnavigate singularities and effectively exclude them from the result of the landscape inventory.

At that point I chose to play along and complete the integral along the property boundary - retracing my steps back to the bridge and continuing along the river to the south fenceline, out to the road, along the road to the car. I noticed that the items that were "excluded" by circumnavigation were the goat feed sack and pail, the labyrinth altar stone, and the fireplace-screen, etc. , lying crumpled and discarded on the scrap metal pile. So, what meaning might I attach to that?

I remember clearly building the fireplace screen as a purposeful task intended to enhance K.'s "status" at her hosting of the book group out at "The Land" at a time when there was a burn-ban in place. With the screen, they could make a fire. That would be a good thing; my intention was loving, with no expectation (and no direct communication). The reality was that the kindling flared and burned through the aluminum (satellite dish scraps) mesh. Game over.

Went sledding again on the Monday. Went over to the kids' place to ask if anyone was game...
I tried to arrange for G. to come which would make it more likely that C. would go, but all that was not to be. The gang was going swimming. I decided to go to the land to fix up the tarp on the straw bales which had been blown half over and off. I bought a broom so I could sweep off the accumulated snow. The weather was beautiful. I finished the job of cleaning off the snow, repositioning the tarp and tying it down. That felt great.

I remembered vividly the time we built the stack. I recognize now that I was operating from a real sense of purpose. We were going to build a SB house and live out there. My first priority was to have the building bales ready so when we finished the planning, we'd be ready to go. I organized and pulled together the details to make it happen - before winter we had 1100 Perfect flaxstraw bales on pallets under tarps. I loved their smell. Over the years since then I often went by the stack just to smell that smell, which by now, has faded, though my dream of living out there hasn't.
I got off to a good start, but that was the easy part. I've been chipping away at various issues. Mustering the clarity and energy required to resolve all of the many details that lie between a pile of straw and a liveable house continues to elude me.

The work being done, I decided to go sledding, in the moonlight. It's cool negotiating the runs mostly by feel. I approach the uphill walks as contemplation, but find the roughness of the
terrain and the challenge of maintaining my balance real deterrents to staying focused.
I really enjoy the calm quiet, and the simplicity of being outside in that way.

Mar04 Day9 Video Rental Return Fun

"Can you make crepes?" they burst into the room where I slept, and was still meditating.
"Sure, as soon as I'm done meditating - in the meantime, clean up the kitchen so there's room to work, OK?"

So began another day... which went on to end awesomely:

That evening, L. and J. were watching "Elizabethtown" .
I actually wanted to watch one of the videos that needed to go back, but I had no problem doing the patience thing, and I soon became engrossed in the film.
A few things stand out:
L. and F. found Claire to be quite annoying, but I felt totally enamored with her.
I assume it's the Hollywood Heartstrings thing, but I'm happy to fully go along for the ride.
The road trip blew me away - imagine being the subject of such a grand gesture !!
For me, Claire was Gwyneth Paltrow, I even experienced little feeling associations and flashbacks
to Shakespeare in Love. Lo and behold she was actually Kirsten Dunst. So, what does that reveal about me ?
The scene where Holly Baylor talks about her neighbour offering her condolences for her husband's death and has an erection in the process is seen, within the film, as funny/gross/inappropriate/insincere. I was a bit surprised at the similar reaction by some co-viewers and wonder whether some fatherly intervention/instruction is called for ?
I feel great having seen this film.

Afterward I flipped an etheric coin between "Motorcycle Diaries" and "Dead Poets Society".
I found DPS very engaging and enlivening. An encouragement to some Carpe Diem of my own!
The importance of being fully alive, living with passion and feeling, listening to one's inner voice and strengthening one's outer voice came alive for me. It needs to be encouraged and cultivated earlier rather than later. I recognize the lack of life and passion in my high school years.

There was just enough time to get the video rewound and back to the "store". There I met a
couple of guys, one of whom is a teacher who were looking for some late night entertainment. They mentioned going sliding, like on the mounds in the parking lot. I said "let's do some serious
sliding on the big hill at Akasu". "I happen to have 3 GTs in my car." So off we went, spontaneously at 11:00 PM.

It was a great, almost-warm night. We sledded until 12:30 and went home.
I felt great. I noticed that I was easily moving up and down the hills without huffing and puffing.

Mar03 Day8 ShortSwim

Alarm at 5:48, sit & centre for a bit - actually 6:11 and a bit beyond.
No sense of anxiety about the UWL - I know in my body I can do it.
Challenge is to pare down the time I take to relax and centre.
In the pool ready to go just after 7:00, fully there, fully ordinary.
Remembered to give myself a little pat on the back when I completed it.
Finished with a glide rather than a grasp...
I really am amazing. Guys at Men's League thought (initially) that I was
bullshitting about doing that distance on one breath.

Challenge is to expand that focus into functionality.

Mar02 Day7 With the Kids

I got to sleep late after coming home from Men's League. Passage of time felt a bit strange...
Left the studio after 10:30 - drove to gas station and just snuck in at 11:03 or so. They turned out the lights and were busily locking up the smokes and lottery tix etc. Didn't get back to Veg until 01:00. I was aware of not having been fully present during the whole drive back.
Pretty sure I had the cruise control on... otherwise might have been later yet ;-)

Went to my house to do a bit of email and get something - MP3 player maybe ?
Was very tempted to just crash in my bed, but I told Chava I'd sleep over there so I gathered myself up and bipedally transported myself over to their place.
(Does that count as living from my deepest purpose? - that concept still seems elusive to me)

Noticed the stars out, thought of S. and wondered how different they would look from CA - .
Noticed all the extraneous skylight, and wasn't motivated to hang out very long.
The cold gets to me in a way it hasn't before.

I was chilly in the bed - put longjohns and socks back on. Started the holosync tracks - became aware of the one music track "Soul Meets Body" (http://www.deathcabforcutie.com) that just feels so beautiful and deep and aware and inspired by Truth. Bumped along a few other tunes "Lack of Color", "I'll follow you into the dark" until about 4:00 when I decided to shut it down and just plain sleep. I love the calm and beauty and gentleness I feel in that not-quite-awake-not-quite-sleeping space..

**RTD** I just became aware of THE TIME!! I started this blog session a little after 8:30 when the kids left
intending to write for about 15 min, then meditate, and get on with a more focused day.
SHIT! it's already almost 10:00

Woke up a little after 7:00. Made OJ, cooked some eggs, signed some forms, I had a pleasant time hanging out with the kids as they got ready for school.

Oooooh, chance to play piano... rolled through my repertoire... a bit chunky in places, but that came back on the repeats. I love the sounds - this is a wonderful piano, for me.
Called D. - another wonderful telephone Satsang with a master.

Go home, start cleaning up. Skyped S., got her setup, both computers... Real world calls in the form of computer stuff. One serious problem, one trivial, another non-determined.

I long to get out into the sun, but in the end get squeezed. I get to kidz at 4:00, hang, start homework, go to JJK's to arrange for guitar lessons for J.. Perfect slot 4:00-4:30, he's got a book available, done. Back for more C. homework.

Scramble some supper, J. to friend, C. to gymnastics, me to land to feed goat - sunsetting.
Cold out there. Walked along river to border, back along fenceline. Hard to relax and be fully present - aware of that at the time.

Mar01 Day6 Swimming into Love

Woke up to TwinHearts meditation. Was tempted to lie back down and snuggle in the covers, but finished by doing the exercises - first sitting, for the neck, torso, shoulders, then getting up for the rest.

Searched for and found "Way of the Superior Man" which I need for the Men's League meeting tonight.

I feel right in the midst of the contemplation of love that began yesterday while talking with D. How do I move forward with the awareness of the past without being held back, stuck in it, yet without ignoring how I was, what I did, how I could have loved better...
I had been thinking along the lines of "I'm still such a kid", "Grow up", "When I've done more work and I've noticeably changed, then I can try it again". "I've learned so little", "Knowing what I'm like, it's unfair to whomever might become involved with me", Some of the David Deida teachings, while inspiring, are very intimidating for where I'm at: A woman yearns for a man who can fuck her open to God. Holy Shit!! Being all softness, gentleness, calmness, and general sexual weakness, I'm a setup for disappointment.

Talking with D. and really hearing the message of these notes:

"I choose love" -

"I love others even when I'm fucked up" -
"I give what I don't have and didn't get as a child" -
"I am gentle and I soften myself" -
"I let the flow of life bring me what I need"

has shifted me a lot. I feel an opening and softening radiating out from my heart. I feel a yearning to love and be loved. I still feel a deep uncertainty about how any practical realities get resolved.

At the pool, I played the quena for a while - sounded pretty good in the showers. I'm going to practice some of the peruvian tunes I wrote out. I relaxed in the hot tub way longer than I intended like 8:30 I had been sitting/lying more gripped with fear and uncertainty than opening and softening. "Gripped" isn't correct anymore... there was a place of calmness alongside the fear.

I questioned the UWL - there was enough mind stuff that I wasn't sure about doing it, but I was able to just focus and decide "Now is the time, let's do it". A little more breathing in the big pool, tighten up the trunks, and off I go. I didn't actually do the "Love without Fear" RH on heart, LH on SolarPlexus drill, but I had a sense of the swim as a practice, in an area of relative mastery, under challenge, which I could extend into love, an area of uncertainty and challenge. I felt happy and confident having completed it with solidity and power. Felt happy about S. I just noticed that even though my body now KNOWS it can do it consistently, my mind still questions whether some of its chatter is enough to cause me to choke. In what other areas of my life does this happen ?

Got my camera today Lumix LZ2 - I love it already, It feels nice, works smoothly.

Well, it's time to go to the Men's League. I've cooked a pizza, and going to do the
keeping it warm on the engine thing. I've always wanted to play with that. Today's the day!