Mar12 G'day, eh?

Full, rich, awesome, amazing day it was, in the subtle way I seem to experience life...

Took hitchhiker to Greyhound station. Nobody around. Sign says eastbound leaves at 9:25. Website says 8:55. We go eat; no place open except A&W. He's trying to phone greyhound.
It gets to be 8:50. "We've got time to go back to the bus despot in case it leaves at 8:55" I suggest and sure enough, bus is ready to leave. Get ticket, say goodbye...

OK, I'll go to church. I'm up, I'll go early, maybe I'll play music. Afterward, I'll talk a bit about Peru and then head to the city. Go home, start to get ready. D. phones - no, maybe I'm the one to phone...
I feel more inclined to listen and stay present than to say "Gotta go to church" when that time arrives.

Leave town at noon. Inclined to feed goat, but stay focused on getting to the Pranic practice at 1:30. Roll in just as exercises start. TwinHearts meditation is great; peaceful & happy. Pranic session with K. is cool. We feel each other, find corroboration.

Fix up R. computer issue. Snarly process, but I calmly go through it, stepbystep.

Mar11 >>POOF<< Where'd the week go?

Another Saturday night...
I've wanted to blog all week but didn't actually do it.
On the theme of Bringing it Home, I've been contemplating that a lot, and in the strict literal sense, I've now thrice shown my pix and assorted loot and described my experiences to people back home. Tomorrow again, at the potluck.

The tourism aspects are fairly easy to get across.
The deeper, spiritual, awareness and experiences are not so easy, but I poke away at it.

Picked up a hitchhiker out of the blowing snow on my way home. He was sure happy to get a ride. Took him for a walk to feed the goat. I brought him home and scrounged together some sheets etc. for the "guest bed". Tomorrow we'll catch a bus.
He's gotta be a messenger, right? So what's the message?
"Don't drink and drive or you'll lose your licence"?

So, what else did I actually do?
I feel really solid in my LUWs - I did them twice on Monday - morning and noon.
By Wed and Fri, I'm aware of a deep knowing that I can really do it - any anxiety/questioning has been about other stuff. My mind still puts up the "gonna choke this time" kinda chatter, but I don't.

I've been feeding the goat, and walking the labyrinth on the land - the journey inward.
Friday was a cool experience - I walked the entire perimeter of the land. With the weather
having warmed, then more snow, I knew better than to try to drive in with my car.
(Although somebody else, with a truck, drove in and made tracks all over the place. The thought to be upset at having been trespassed against came up, but I wasn't really into that.)
I parked by the bridge, and walked along the middle of the river, up and across the bridge, and refilled Billy Bob's feed pail from the sack in the fridge in the generator shack. I then walked along the edge of the garden to the labyrinth, and, seeking some connection to my deeper self, across the drifted-in snow. Somewhere along the way, the image of me physically performing a line integral in the complex plane came to me. I could see the textbook and remember enjoying that class. It was cool how one could circumnavigate singularities and effectively exclude them from the result of the landscape inventory.

At that point I chose to play along and complete the integral along the property boundary - retracing my steps back to the bridge and continuing along the river to the south fenceline, out to the road, along the road to the car. I noticed that the items that were "excluded" by circumnavigation were the goat feed sack and pail, the labyrinth altar stone, and the fireplace-screen, etc. , lying crumpled and discarded on the scrap metal pile. So, what meaning might I attach to that?

I remember clearly building the fireplace screen as a purposeful task intended to enhance K.'s "status" at her hosting of the book group out at "The Land" at a time when there was a burn-ban in place. With the screen, they could make a fire. That would be a good thing; my intention was loving, with no expectation (and no direct communication). The reality was that the kindling flared and burned through the aluminum (satellite dish scraps) mesh. Game over.

Went sledding again on the Monday. Went over to the kids' place to ask if anyone was game...
I tried to arrange for G. to come which would make it more likely that C. would go, but all that was not to be. The gang was going swimming. I decided to go to the land to fix up the tarp on the straw bales which had been blown half over and off. I bought a broom so I could sweep off the accumulated snow. The weather was beautiful. I finished the job of cleaning off the snow, repositioning the tarp and tying it down. That felt great.

I remembered vividly the time we built the stack. I recognize now that I was operating from a real sense of purpose. We were going to build a SB house and live out there. My first priority was to have the building bales ready so when we finished the planning, we'd be ready to go. I organized and pulled together the details to make it happen - before winter we had 1100 Perfect flaxstraw bales on pallets under tarps. I loved their smell. Over the years since then I often went by the stack just to smell that smell, which by now, has faded, though my dream of living out there hasn't.
I got off to a good start, but that was the easy part. I've been chipping away at various issues. Mustering the clarity and energy required to resolve all of the many details that lie between a pile of straw and a liveable house continues to elude me.

The work being done, I decided to go sledding, in the moonlight. It's cool negotiating the runs mostly by feel. I approach the uphill walks as contemplation, but find the roughness of the
terrain and the challenge of maintaining my balance real deterrents to staying focused.
I really enjoy the calm quiet, and the simplicity of being outside in that way.

Mar04 Day9 Video Rental Return Fun

"Can you make crepes?" they burst into the room where I slept, and was still meditating.
"Sure, as soon as I'm done meditating - in the meantime, clean up the kitchen so there's room to work, OK?"

So began another day... which went on to end awesomely:

That evening, L. and J. were watching "Elizabethtown" .
I actually wanted to watch one of the videos that needed to go back, but I had no problem doing the patience thing, and I soon became engrossed in the film.
A few things stand out:
L. and F. found Claire to be quite annoying, but I felt totally enamored with her.
I assume it's the Hollywood Heartstrings thing, but I'm happy to fully go along for the ride.
The road trip blew me away - imagine being the subject of such a grand gesture !!
For me, Claire was Gwyneth Paltrow, I even experienced little feeling associations and flashbacks
to Shakespeare in Love. Lo and behold she was actually Kirsten Dunst. So, what does that reveal about me ?
The scene where Holly Baylor talks about her neighbour offering her condolences for her husband's death and has an erection in the process is seen, within the film, as funny/gross/inappropriate/insincere. I was a bit surprised at the similar reaction by some co-viewers and wonder whether some fatherly intervention/instruction is called for ?
I feel great having seen this film.

Afterward I flipped an etheric coin between "Motorcycle Diaries" and "Dead Poets Society".
I found DPS very engaging and enlivening. An encouragement to some Carpe Diem of my own!
The importance of being fully alive, living with passion and feeling, listening to one's inner voice and strengthening one's outer voice came alive for me. It needs to be encouraged and cultivated earlier rather than later. I recognize the lack of life and passion in my high school years.

There was just enough time to get the video rewound and back to the "store". There I met a
couple of guys, one of whom is a teacher who were looking for some late night entertainment. They mentioned going sliding, like on the mounds in the parking lot. I said "let's do some serious
sliding on the big hill at Akasu". "I happen to have 3 GTs in my car." So off we went, spontaneously at 11:00 PM.

It was a great, almost-warm night. We sledded until 12:30 and went home.
I felt great. I noticed that I was easily moving up and down the hills without huffing and puffing.

Mar03 Day8 ShortSwim

Alarm at 5:48, sit & centre for a bit - actually 6:11 and a bit beyond.
No sense of anxiety about the UWL - I know in my body I can do it.
Challenge is to pare down the time I take to relax and centre.
In the pool ready to go just after 7:00, fully there, fully ordinary.
Remembered to give myself a little pat on the back when I completed it.
Finished with a glide rather than a grasp...
I really am amazing. Guys at Men's League thought (initially) that I was
bullshitting about doing that distance on one breath.

Challenge is to expand that focus into functionality.

Mar02 Day7 With the Kids

I got to sleep late after coming home from Men's League. Passage of time felt a bit strange...
Left the studio after 10:30 - drove to gas station and just snuck in at 11:03 or so. They turned out the lights and were busily locking up the smokes and lottery tix etc. Didn't get back to Veg until 01:00. I was aware of not having been fully present during the whole drive back.
Pretty sure I had the cruise control on... otherwise might have been later yet ;-)

Went to my house to do a bit of email and get something - MP3 player maybe ?
Was very tempted to just crash in my bed, but I told Chava I'd sleep over there so I gathered myself up and bipedally transported myself over to their place.
(Does that count as living from my deepest purpose? - that concept still seems elusive to me)

Noticed the stars out, thought of S. and wondered how different they would look from CA - .
Noticed all the extraneous skylight, and wasn't motivated to hang out very long.
The cold gets to me in a way it hasn't before.

I was chilly in the bed - put longjohns and socks back on. Started the holosync tracks - became aware of the one music track "Soul Meets Body" (http://www.deathcabforcutie.com) that just feels so beautiful and deep and aware and inspired by Truth. Bumped along a few other tunes "Lack of Color", "I'll follow you into the dark" until about 4:00 when I decided to shut it down and just plain sleep. I love the calm and beauty and gentleness I feel in that not-quite-awake-not-quite-sleeping space..

**RTD** I just became aware of THE TIME!! I started this blog session a little after 8:30 when the kids left
intending to write for about 15 min, then meditate, and get on with a more focused day.
SHIT! it's already almost 10:00

Woke up a little after 7:00. Made OJ, cooked some eggs, signed some forms, I had a pleasant time hanging out with the kids as they got ready for school.

Oooooh, chance to play piano... rolled through my repertoire... a bit chunky in places, but that came back on the repeats. I love the sounds - this is a wonderful piano, for me.
Called D. - another wonderful telephone Satsang with a master.

Go home, start cleaning up. Skyped S., got her setup, both computers... Real world calls in the form of computer stuff. One serious problem, one trivial, another non-determined.

I long to get out into the sun, but in the end get squeezed. I get to kidz at 4:00, hang, start homework, go to JJK's to arrange for guitar lessons for J.. Perfect slot 4:00-4:30, he's got a book available, done. Back for more C. homework.

Scramble some supper, J. to friend, C. to gymnastics, me to land to feed goat - sunsetting.
Cold out there. Walked along river to border, back along fenceline. Hard to relax and be fully present - aware of that at the time.

Mar01 Day6 Swimming into Love

Woke up to TwinHearts meditation. Was tempted to lie back down and snuggle in the covers, but finished by doing the exercises - first sitting, for the neck, torso, shoulders, then getting up for the rest.

Searched for and found "Way of the Superior Man" which I need for the Men's League meeting tonight.

I feel right in the midst of the contemplation of love that began yesterday while talking with D. How do I move forward with the awareness of the past without being held back, stuck in it, yet without ignoring how I was, what I did, how I could have loved better...
I had been thinking along the lines of "I'm still such a kid", "Grow up", "When I've done more work and I've noticeably changed, then I can try it again". "I've learned so little", "Knowing what I'm like, it's unfair to whomever might become involved with me", Some of the David Deida teachings, while inspiring, are very intimidating for where I'm at: A woman yearns for a man who can fuck her open to God. Holy Shit!! Being all softness, gentleness, calmness, and general sexual weakness, I'm a setup for disappointment.

Talking with D. and really hearing the message of these notes:

"I choose love" -

"I love others even when I'm fucked up" -
"I give what I don't have and didn't get as a child" -
"I am gentle and I soften myself" -
"I let the flow of life bring me what I need"

has shifted me a lot. I feel an opening and softening radiating out from my heart. I feel a yearning to love and be loved. I still feel a deep uncertainty about how any practical realities get resolved.

At the pool, I played the quena for a while - sounded pretty good in the showers. I'm going to practice some of the peruvian tunes I wrote out. I relaxed in the hot tub way longer than I intended like 8:30 I had been sitting/lying more gripped with fear and uncertainty than opening and softening. "Gripped" isn't correct anymore... there was a place of calmness alongside the fear.

I questioned the UWL - there was enough mind stuff that I wasn't sure about doing it, but I was able to just focus and decide "Now is the time, let's do it". A little more breathing in the big pool, tighten up the trunks, and off I go. I didn't actually do the "Love without Fear" RH on heart, LH on SolarPlexus drill, but I had a sense of the swim as a practice, in an area of relative mastery, under challenge, which I could extend into love, an area of uncertainty and challenge. I felt happy and confident having completed it with solidity and power. Felt happy about S. I just noticed that even though my body now KNOWS it can do it consistently, my mind still questions whether some of its chatter is enough to cause me to choke. In what other areas of my life does this happen ?

Got my camera today Lumix LZ2 - I love it already, It feels nice, works smoothly.

Well, it's time to go to the Men's League. I've cooked a pizza, and going to do the
keeping it warm on the engine thing. I've always wanted to play with that. Today's the day!

Feb28 Day5 Dreamland Visit

I might have dreamt once during the trip, not sure exactly, but I woke from a dream today... People gathering around in anticipation of another, informal, Ayahuasca ceremony.
There was a dream, and then a period after where I was awake and aware, yet the
dream continued.
Three themes:
specific physical location was important to me - several times I was drawn to stay near
two or three specific spots - as if something under the ground was attracting me.

unknown/unidentified women were with/around me in those spots; two or three of them
I felt their presence

Physical sensation of the earth under me I sunk into the earth, face down, spread out
felt the pressure in my groin, readjusted, settled in further


It became clear that an informal ceremony was not going to happen, but the congregated
hanging out continued. Nothing specific happened.

I was aware of processing going on. Lying still and quiet - face down as in my dream, seemed the right thing to do. D. called around 10:00

10:30 biz op call with RIchJerk screener

Feb27 Day4 Swimming Pool

Woke up with a heavy mood - attached to my own suffering ?
Today I need to get on with tackling all the tasks that
have accumulated.

Breathe/meditate to lighten up.
First day back at the pool. In the spirit of being kind to myself, am I even going to try to swim 3 lengths underwater (LUW) ? Feels like a setup for failure.
I feel very fragile; fighting off contraction and smallness like they're my default state. I go with openness toward doing the underwater swim, I may or may not.

My sunburns don't scream as I get into the hotpool - they feel OK. My skin feels bumpy, bubbly, pre-peeling. After lying in the shallows for a while, I feel lovely and warm for the first time since coming back to the sub-arctic...
I breathe/meditate/emanate peace and love from a place of crunchiness seeking peace.
All at once, there it is; I feel myself settling into calm peacefulness.
I think about what D. said about emanations rippling their effects far beyond the
immediate surroundings. I'm not feeling quite so expansive or sure about my ripples.

Time to swim, or go home. I answer the question of LUW with a gentle YES.
More breathing and quiet stillness in the big pool, and then I'm off. I'm in such calm for #1; my mind chirps a few times during #2 and I make a klutzy turn, but I'm solid for #3 and finish strongly. I consider some kind of vocal celebration, but just give myself a quiet YES! as I hang quivering on the end.

I notice my knee while breaststroking; as I did while surfing; can't remember where it got bonked...

The quena sounds pretty cool in the raquet court. I really want to learn a few Peruvian melodies. My fiddle is a bit out of tune - this rarely happens...
I tweak it and play a few things but my fingers don't quite hit all the right
places. I settle in for Lake Isle Waltz... I think about A. fiddling in the jungle.

Feb26 Day3 Back in My HOUSE

Wonderful gentle start to the day

Feb25 Day2 Mutual Integration

Gentle wafting of consciousness borne on breezes of music from the ayahuasca ceremonies; that is how I enter the new day. Familiar sounds and melodies
transport me back to the nights in the jungle, even as the sky brightens. Unfamiliar ones lull me back to sleep. I lie on the couch wanting to hug and be hugged.
Wanting to lie in someone's arms, have my head stroked; getting some comfort from the image of my wanting...

Diego's ayahuascawasi CD has hours and hours of music. It has been running all night.
When it ends, I restart it, with considerable effort, since all those little buttons on
the remote are unintelligible to me. I physically go to the player, eject and reinsert the disk, and start the playing anew. I learn that "next" is the way to skip a track I don't recognize and prefer to jump over on the way to the familiar.

The day ambles by in conversation, discussion, listening.
I go home, talk to Leah on the phone, who is home, alone.
I feel a somewhat familiar flat, detached indifference in her voice.

Go feed the goat.
Make something to eat, thai cup-a-soup and broccoli with mayo.

Go through phone messages.

Go back to D.s to watch Jesus Christ Superstar
That is such a wonderful movie!
Afterwards, we watch the commentary track for a while, but D. gets bored of that and suggests watching The Matrix. Woah! no mellowing-out, almost-snoozing during that one!

It's late.
Time to go home.
Thanks for a lovely full day of gently coming back home.

Feb24 Day1 Rainbow & Customs in TO

Flight from Lima Air Canada 081 2240-0630

Seated in "exit-row" right behind projection screen.

Overheard left neighbour talking to his left neighbour about flying
helicopters in a remote location near the border with Bolivia... and in the arctic
Reminded me of my time in the arctic in 1979/80, and how cool I found all the
different planes and choppers I got flown around in.
Also reminded me of my goal to be flying my own personal chopper by 2011.

I remember eating, disliking the wine a lot, wrapping up in the blanket, being
disinterested in the TV, and doing the posture/breathing/emanating love and
peace practices.... ZZZZzzzzz.......
Woke up when breakfast was served? maybe?

Became aware of predawn light out the window to my right.
First thing I noticed was a deep reddish purple light - memories of post-II dawn at
Yamnuska came to mind. I looked more intently and was blown away by the deep,
rich, intense colours of a horizontal rainbow resting on the horizon.
The full spectrum, in luminous half-pinkie-width bands of
subtlely blended coloured light, made the transition from blackness of earth
to blackness of sky.

I peered out the little round window in the exit door, and occasionally out the unused
window of the snoozing passengers, amazed at how long this wonderful display was
carrying on, expecting it to fade at any moment, but happy to keep experiencing and
enjoying it. I snagged my camera and took some looooong exposure photos.

For quite a while I was torn between wanting to share this with Satyen and Suzanne, and not wanting to wake them up to do so. I recognize my crunchiness around this area of possible conflict.
My inability to assess, on behalf of another, whether something is important enough, to _them_, to wake them up, leads me to err on the side of caution and safety. I recognize that I didn't explicitly
draw anyone's attention to the sky's display, although my prolonged presence at the porthole would have served as sufficient notice to the curious that something was happening.
In the end, an announcement roused Satyen, and I called him back to have a look. By this time we were over Lake Ontario, and the lights of civilization blanketed the ground. Soon after beginning the descent, the rainbow faded to muddy brown-yellow.

Long lines at customs - only 4 or 5 agents on duty.
I confessed to having cool stuff like plants, seeds, coca tea etc. and so got green-carded for a trip through door #2. I was calm throughout, they took my goodies, even let me keep the tatoo-fruit and
seeds from the jungle.

I wasn't accused of having a mental condition, as was my cab-ride-companion from the hostel. Apparently, in addition to maintaining a gruff and grouchy demeanor, that custom inspector's job description includes making unsolicited
phychological assessments. I'm happy not to have stood before him, and to not have been sent for summary electroshock therapy for my lapse in judgement in choice of tea and/or being truthful in the presence of government officials...

My 8:30 flight to Edmonton was just leaving when I finished the song and dance, so I got rescheduled for 10:10. Considered getting something to eat, but woah, was stuff ever
hyper-expensive. Soles-pricing, dollars-payment. Went up to departure area.
There's a very cool huge rectangular transparent acquarium inhabited with transparent plastic cubes which get stirred around in various ways by streams of air bubbling up from the bottom.
Took some pix and video. Found more massively overpriced food, but decided to feed my
brain by reading Discover magazine - fascinating stuff about hyperbolic space and ant taxonomy.

In the interests of not getting distracted to the point of missing my flight, I headed for the departure gate, picking up a RockyMountainChocolate double cone on the way - awesome.
I like the way the sun shines in the TO terminal.

Phoned to let P. know I was on a later flight; said I'd call when I arrived.

Woman next to me had a blackberry. I watched in fascination as she thumbed out her message. I hadn't seen a blackberry up close before. Turns out she works for ParksCanada. We had a lovely
conversation about a variety of stuff. I really enjoyed the prolonged time of free, relaxed talk and looking at each other.

She talked enthusiastically about the movie which was "Walk the Line" about Johnny Cash. It really was a great film - I was emotionally moved all over the place. Offscreen too - a couple of times during the film she fell asleep with her hair partly across her face creating such an image of sweetness and beauty. I was aching, melting and giggling inside all at the same time. I was moved to take a photo, but as I contemplated the appropriateness of it, and the logistics to get my camera out of the overhead bin, etc. the photoop disappeared.
For a while I practiced breathing/emanating/feeling into her; no direct sense of it "working".

In the spirit of "notice what I notice", three things occur to me:
The desire to capture beautiful images - what is the sense or purpose in that rather than simply experiencing the moment? I want to practice appreciating and taking in more fully whatever
visual image might prompt me to want to capture it on film - whether or not I actually click.

The emotional charge behind appreciating feminine beauty - I have long enjoyed simple, unattached appreciation of female form and movement. On the trip I have been noticing more emotional charge behind that. Is it just that my emotional body is becoming looser, freer, more responsive ? Or is it that my yearning for some form of connection is becoming more urgent ?

Get into Edmonton. Met Rozmahel's. P. is there waiting for me. I drive, comfortable in my shorts and light jacket. We go to Pagolac's for hot soup, and end up going to the Sidetrack for a farewell concert covered by CBC radio. I drop P. off at home after finding the gang already gone from DaDeo's, and hit the highway.

Get into Veg, snag some fruit and other breakfast stuff, and head over to D.s to talk about our trips.
She had already been paging me days before... Sorry, a bit out of range.

We just talked and hung out on the couches, drinking tea. It was getting late already when we talked about Diego's CD. I got bags and groceries etc. in and showed some of my loot.
The CD lent a mood of familiarity and mellowness and hang-out-more-ness to the night.